I don’t think I’m a fabulous friend, but I’m a better friend
than I used to be. Do you agree that being a friend – the kind of friend people
want to have around – takes work? That doesn’t seem right, but I know it’s true
for me. Some people make friendship seem so effortless. It doesn’t come natural
for me. I have to review and perfect my friendship skills constantly.
I’ve never had any formal friendship training, which is the
stuff you’re taught as a child…turn the
other cheek, respect and put others first, do unto others…yada yada. Instead I
was taught to be competitive with others, including my sister and my playmates.
The message in our household was, “Don’t let them get ahead of you, or get the
best of you and always watch your back.”
As a result, I was convinced others were out to take advantage of me or
make me look bad. I always had to be on my guard which makes building
long-lasting friendships a difficult task, at best.
Throughout my childhood I had two unequivocal friends that I
never questioned. The first was my cocker spaniel, Sparky, and the second was
my relationship with books. Neither of these ‘friends’ would criticize, one up,
or judge me. I spent lots more time with them than the flesh and blood varieties
of “friends.” Because my dad was in the military and the family moved every one
to three years it was easy to perfect a façade
of friendship without doing the substantive work to develop true alliances.
Another roadblock in my friendship journey was being taught ways
of being in the world with men but not about how to be friends with other
women. I was nearly 21 before I realized that the other half of the population
was worth befriending. I’ll never forget the first time I could say I loved a
woman friend. Being a confirmed heterosexual, I was surprised to acquire the
depth of feelings for a woman co-worker who I visualized as a role model in
exposing me to the rewards of female friends.
Christine was nurturing and kind, and had no ulterior motive
in getting close to me. She inspired me to look differently at the people in my
life. Through her, I learned to acquire and entertain women friends. For the
first time in my life, I felt alive and worthy and not so suspicious of women
around me. There must have been other women who lacked early friendship
development like I did because I’ve run into them throughout my life and we’ve
compared notes about being guarded around other women and unsure of their
sincerity.
Okay, so this doesn’t mean that now that I’m all grown up
I’m this expert friend and people – both men and women – are clambering to have
Antonia for a friend. As a matter of fact, judging from recent events, I’ve got
a long way to go in perfecting my technique.
