Start Forgiving: 3-Steps to Help you Let Go - Rev. Chris Michaels, Guest Post

          It is really hard to accomplish our goals and reach for our dreams when we are looking backwards. I want to share with you a 3-step plan to help you let go of lingering resentments.

Step One: Step Back

          Step back a bit and look at the situation from a proper distance. And when you do you’ll realize you did the BEST you could with what you knew at the time.

          The truth is, if you would of known better, you would have done better. But you didn’t, you couldn’t. Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know.

Step Two: Take Responsibility

          Whether you intended to hurt them or not, the fact is YOU DID. So, don’t blame them for being oversensitive. Don’t make them bad and wrong for misunderstanding you.

          Stop defending your actions – and take responsibility. Man up – and say: “I’m so sorry you got hurt. That was not my intention.”And then say the 4 words that are least used in the entire English language. “Can you forgive me?”

          Now, let me be clear. You are not responsible for their feelings. You are responsible for your actions, which may have caused their feelings. We have a word for taking responsibility for someone else’s emotional state. It’s called co-dependent. So don’t confuse them. You’re responsible for your actions and choices and if they hurt others own them, apologize and ask for forgiveness. They may or may not be able to forgive you, but that’s their issue, not yours.

          And don’t wait for their enlightenment because it may never come. Take responsibility for the role you played and forgive yourself.

Step Three: Give What You Want to Receive

          If you want others to respect you, respect yourself. If you want others to forgive you, start by forgiving yourself. Show yourself the kindness you want others to give. Be patient with yourself and learn to accept yourself, warts and all.

          You’re going to get hurt. That’s unavoidable. There will be injustice. It is just part of human life. The only way to end the pain and stop the anger is to practice forgiveness. The practice of forgiveness is not easy and it is unending. But is essential in this life.


Learn more about Rev. Chris Michaels and all that he does here. You can get a copy of his wonderful book The Power of You here.

You may reach out to Antonia at antoniasseniormoments@hotmail.com or  Antonia's Senior Moments on Facebook. 

Should You Forgive? If So, How?

          About a year ago I wrote this piece on forgiveness, right after the incident at the Boston marathon. The issue of forgiveness is timeless. As we are again taking an in-depth look at it at my spiritual home (Center for Spiritual Living), I thought I'd reprint this post as it continues to be applicable..

          Are you ready to forgive Lance Armstrong for doping or Charlie Sheen for ranting or the Boston marathon bombers? Perhaps you can forgive Lance but not the bombers. Perhaps it’s not that we can’t forgive as much as we don’t want to forgive.


           In a nationwide Gallup poll, 94% of Americans surveyed said they aspire to forgiveness, but only 48% said they usually tried to forgive. This represents a huge disconnect between what we say we want to do and what we actually do. Why is this? Do

From m_bui via Flickr

we see it as a weakness to be forgiving?

           All month long I’ve been focused on the issue of forgiveness. It’s been the spiritual practice of the month at the Center of Spiritual Living. This focus has given me the opportunity to examine more closely my beliefs about forgiveness and see what’s working and not working for me. One of the first things I discovered about myself is that I forgave some but not others.

          This month-long forgiveness practice has taught me, however, that true forgiveness has nothing to do with others and everything to do with myself. While it benefits both giver and receiver, it is a colossal gift we give ourselves. The only true benefit I can get from forgiving is if I use it across the board, without the judgment call of who deserves it. Why is that?
          It’s because, as a metaphysician, I know what I give will be returned to me. If I give out a loving feeling or thought of forgiveness to the universe, that is what will be returned to me. It doesn’t matter if it is deserved by another, returned by them or if they are even aware of my forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should forgive someone and then be close to them and set ourselves up for possible pain again. But forgiveness is really about the letting go part, letting go of the anger, pain, self-pity, angst, fear, etc. And letting go frees us, heals us, keeps us safe, etc. (see How to Let Go of Attachments).

Should You Forgive? If So, How?

          Are you ready to forgive Lance Armstrong for doping or Charlie Sheen for ranting or the Boston marathon bombers? Perhaps you can forgive Lance but not the bombers. Perhaps it’s not that we can’t forgive as much as we don’t want to forgive.


From m_bui via Flickr

          In a nationwide Gallup poll, 94% of Americans surveyed said they aspire to forgiveness, but only 48% said they usually tried to forgive. This represents a huge disconnect between what we say we want to do and what we actually do. Why is this? Do we see it as a weakness to be forgiving?

          All month long I’ve been focused on the issue of forgiveness. It’s been the spiritual practice of the month at the Center of Spiritual Living. This focus has given me the opportunity to examine more closely my beliefs about forgiveness and see what’s working and not working for me. One of the first things I discovered about myself is that I forgave some but not others.

          This month-long forgiveness practice has taught me, however, that true forgiveness has nothing to do with others and everything to do with myself. While it benefits both giver and receiver, it is a colossal gift we give ourselves. The only true benefit I can get from forgiving is if I use it across the board, without the judgment call of who deserves it. Why is that?

When Bad Things Happen: 5 Ways I Cope

          Ok, let’s just say it:  school killings in Newtown (and elsewhere), horrific fires such as the fertilizer plant in Texas, acts that terrorize, including Boston on Monday and, of course, 9-11. It can be a scary and dangerous world out there. And, if we over-embrace the idea of bad things happening, our lives will be fearful and not very fulfilling or joyous.

          When the bombs exploded in Boston at the marathon on Monday, I was surprised by my own feelings. For the first time that I can remember I didn’t immediately turn on the TV to soak up all that I could about what had happened. I felt even at peace a little bit. Now, don’t get excited, I’m not that crass that I didn’t feel profoundly sad and concerned about the loss of lives and other injuries. But, what I didn’t do was drop everything and plug in. I didn’t start talking to my friends and conjecturing about who and what. And I didn’t start that familiar tape in my head that says, “You should be scared. Bad things happen all the time, so you should be vigilant about what might happen in your town.”  Then there’s also the other tape that says, “Don’t get too happy because something bad can take away your joy.”

          I'm a sponge instead of a filter. When I hear bad news, it doesn't just register and then pass on through me. It stops in my body, my mind ... my soul. And I can't shake it off. But I've worked hard over the years to get the information I need without getting so much that I couldn't function in the rest of my life.

          I got the main points of what happened in Boston via the headlines on MSN when I logged onto my computer. Then I didn’t pay attention to the news or anything else about the event on TV or in the newspapers until this morning when Obama gave his speech at the interfaith prayer service. When that was over, I turned the TV off again. I know I’ll check back in at some point when the perpetrators have been captured and a motive is presented. Then I checked in with a friend who lives in Boston and I made a donation to One Fund Boston, but that’s it. Life goes on for me. It does no good for me to stay stuck in sorrow and angst and fear.

          I remember that the world is a good place, a safe place, an abundant place. Sure, bad things happen, but I’m not willing to let those things – either events in the past or the possibility of events in the future – mar my knowing of the goodness that exists nor interfere with the quality of my current actions. My staying sad and curtailing my activities because of sorrow in no way assists the victims or anyone else. Am I sad about what has happened? Yes, I am, and I’m not tossing that wet blanket of sorrow out into the universe to dampen the spirits of others.

          So how did my new-found calmness develop? Something has shifted and I believe it started while I was focusing on forgiveness. A lot of forgiveness for me is about letting go. There’s that popular saying, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” To me, letting go melds right into a calmer reaction to things that go wrong. I realize I have no control over these scary events but I can control how I respond to them.

          I have identified five things that worked for me in dealing with all the recent tragedy in our world: